My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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