wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
