getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
