i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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