My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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