i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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