I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Pooping to opera.
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