So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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