Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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