Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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