I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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