You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
