i was born a porn star she said
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
