I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
