she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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