Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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