My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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