they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
