Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
