Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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