She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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