Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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