Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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