We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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