i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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