Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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