Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I would ride that face into the sunset
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
