Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
