The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
