the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
