I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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