I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't put those talents on a resume
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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