Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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