I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
