After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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