Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize