watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize