When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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