dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize