I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
nutella sex= disaster
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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