someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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