when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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