the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
