i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just tell him i said nine months
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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