He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
