I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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