I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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