Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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