it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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