Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
