Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
