Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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