He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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