you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
