A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
