im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
