is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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