My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
