I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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