In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
